Things Gone Differently
by Kat-of-the-Streets
Summary: A collection of short stories that deal with the relationship of Mary and Matthew and what would have happened had things been different in certain situations.
1. Chapter 1

AN: This is a collection of short stories that deal with the relationship of Mary and Matthew and what would have happened had things been different in certain situations. The chapters of this 'story' are all their own stories, they are not connected, nor in chronological order.

Every chapter is a standalone piece.

This is the first one and it is about what would have happened had Matthew found a way to break the entail.

As always, please let me know what you think. Thank you!

Kat

P.S.: I know this story is legally impossible, but I don't care and I hope that you don't either :)

* * *

"There is a way to break the entail."

"What?"

"If I renounced the title, Mary would be heiress of all."

"You can't renounce it."

"Yes I can. There is a clause in your prenup that says that under certain conditions it is possible."

"I hope you are not considering renouncing the title."

"I am."

"Matthew. The Earldom would lapse."

"Yes. But Mary would be heiress of everything else. The estate, Cora's money."

"What about you?"

"What about me? Until a few months ago I had no idea I would ever come here. I'll go back to Manchester, forget about all of it." Robert looks at him pleadingly and this is not really what he wants, he has come to think of Downton and the title as his destiny, but if there is a way to give it all to Mary who deserves this so much more than him, than he should walk that way, regardless of his own feelings.

"At least talk to Mary about it."

"Talk to me about what?" Mary has entered the library as if on cue and Robert leaves as if on cue too.

"I found a way to break the entail."

"What?" There are happiness and confusion on Mary's face, but he thinks that happiness is the predominant emotion.

"Yes. And if it was broken, then all of this would be yours."

"So you would be a peer without an estate. Eventually. We would hollow out the title."

"I wouldn't be a peer. I would have to renounce the title. But we can draw up a binding contract on that now."

"So the Earldom would lapse."

"Yes."

"You would not be the Earl but remain a country lawyer."

"Yes."

"And you would be willing to do this?"

"Yes."

"Why?" He had hoped that she wouldn't ask this question, because he doesn't want to answer it.

"Does that matter?"

"It matters a great deal. I want to know why you are prepared to give up all of this. Are we that horrible?" Mary looks as if she really was concerned about this.

"Of course not." 'Of course not and you least of all' is what he actually wants to say.

"Why then?" He takes a deep breath.

"Because it is stupid and wrong that you should be overlooked for a fourth cousin just because you are a woman."

"So you are doing this because you don't like the concept of the entail."

"I don't really agree with it, no."

"Are your principles really that strong? Are you so smug?" Why does she get mad at him now? He is giving all this up for her. But of course she doesn't know this.

"Mary, I just don't think it is fair."

"I don't believe you. There must be something else." Of course there is something else. But he shouldn't tell her that.

"Mary, I"

"What?"

"I don't want to talk about it." He really doesn't. He wishes she would leave.

"But I do."

"Mary, I know you despise me. No, don't interrupt me. I know you despise me and you have every right to do so. I am taking what should be yours. And I can't stand you despising me. So by giving it all to you, I hope that you will despise me a little less." This is as close the truth as he is willing to get. He looks up at her and the expression on her face is incredibly soft, he has never seen her looking like that, but it makes this all the more important.

"I don't despise you, Matthew. It is the law and you are the lucky one. I don't matter in this."

"On the contrary. You matter a great deal."

"Do I?"

"In fact you are all that matters to me." She has stepped closer to him, so close that he can feel the heat from her body.

"Why, Matthew?" she asks in an unsteady voice.

"Because I love you." He wishes he hadn't said it, he didn't want to say it. Mary looks horrified by this.

"Well, if that is the only reason why you want to give it all up, I can help you with that."

He listens to her as she talks about Pamuk, how he came to her room, how she allowed him into her bed, how he died in her bed, how her mother and maid helped her return the body to the room he was found in the following day.

"How is that supposed to help?" he asks her, because he really doesn't understand.

"Well, you certainly don't love me anymore now, so you don't have to give any of this up."

"Mary, I. This is a lot to take in." But it won't stop me loving you he thinks.

"Matthew, go home. Come back here in a few days and you will see that you don't love me anymore." He does as she asks because he is putty in her hands. He doesn't care about Pamuk, he would only care if at that time he had had some sort of claim on Mary, but he didn't. He doesn't change his mind about this over the course of the next few days and he walks up to the Abbey purposefully to tell Mary that she will be heiress of all but the title. He finds her sitting on a bench outside and asks her for a walk and she obliges. She even takes his arm when he offers it to her.

"So you can still stand my company." He wonders why she is so spiteful, but there is no use fighting with her.

"Mary, you told me to come back here after I had thought about Pamuk. And I did think about the whole thing and I still love you. Very much." She stops in her tracks and because she has been holding onto his arm, he has to stop too and he now turns towards her. There is an expression on her face that throws him off guard. She smiles a smile at him that can only be called lovingly.

"I am rather impressed, Matthew. But if what you say is true, then there would be another way. There would be a way for both of us to have all of this one day. In the very distant future." Of course there is a way and he has thought about it before, in fact he thinks about it constantly, but he won't go that way.

"Mary, I could never marry a woman who didn't love me, no matter how much I loved her." She steps closer to him now, just as she did a few days ago, and looks into his eyes. There are tears in hers and he wonders what they mean.

"Who says you would have to marry a woman who doesn't love you?"

"What?"

"Andromeda was rescued by Perseus, son of a god. Perseus rescued her form the sea monster."

"Yes?" He has no idea where she is going with this.

"What if she had fallen in love with the sea monster?" It can't be true. He doesn't dare to hope.

"Then she probably wouldn't have wanted to be rescued." He hopes she wants to be rescued by him.

"I don't want to be rescued by Perseus, Matthew. Not anymore."

"So you'd rather have the sea monster?"

"Oh, I wouldn't call you a sea monster." He has to laugh because he is almost sure now.

"No?"

"No. You aren't a monster." He is going to risk it now, he'll go all in so to speak and he is almost sure that he will win. He puts his arms around her waist and pulls her even closer to him. She smiles at this and he feels more confident.

"I am glad you don't think of your future husband as a monster." She looks at him a little flabbergasted, but her eyes show how happy she truly is.

"I haven't really said yes yet." No, but it was her suggestion.

"I haven't asked a question yet." They are playing a game and they both enjoy this game. This will be something that their grandchildren will laugh about.

"Then ask."

"Do you love me? Truly?" He needs to know this first and if she does love him then he will ask the question she is waiting for.

"Oh yes. I love you very much. I only realized it after you had told me how you felt about me. But I do love you." They are so close now that she almost kisses him while speaking.

"Marry me, then."

"That wasn't a question."

"No. But will you?"

"Yes." Their lips meet and the kiss sends him to heaven. She puts her hands in his hair and he puts one of his hands onto her back to hold her against him. He has never felt like this before, he has never been this happy, he has never desired anyone this much.

"Oh God, Mary," he whispers into her ear and she only replies "Yes".

They are married eight weeks later and when little George Robert Crawley is born seven and half months after their wedding, he throws all lingering thoughts about renouncing the title to the wind because he knows that he wants to pass Downton and the title on to his son. His and Mary's son.


	2. Chapter 2

This short story deals with the question of what would have happened, had Mary not taken the bait Edith through to her after the dinner with Strallan. Part of the dialogue is of course taken from season one.

* * *

"Now who's jealous?"

"Jealous? Do you think I couldn't have that old booby if wanted him?"

"Even you can't take every prize."

"Is that a challenge?"

"If you like."

She hardly hears her sister's answer because when she looked up just a second before, she saw Matthew entering the drawing room and he smiled at her and that smile made butterflies dance in her stomach.

"You are right. I can't have every prize. You go ahead and take Strallan." Edith looks at her nonplussed, but she walks towards Matthew.

"Hello again," he says to her and she smiles at him.

"Thank you for making a dinner that would have been very unpleasant quite pleasant."

"You are very welcome." Matthew smiles at her warmly and not for the first time that evening she begins to wonder.

"I'd like it very much if you showed the cottages to me."

"How about tomorrow morning? Before the flower show?" He seems to be rather eager, but she doesn't mind.

"Yes. We could walk down to the village together afterwards then." Matthew looks surprised but pleased.

"Cousin Edith seems to be rather taken with Sir Anthony."

"She is more than welcome to him. I think my mother invited him here to show me how horrible my prospects are. She thinks I am not putting in enough effort."

"You are not putting enough effort into what?"

"Finding a husband."

"Oh."

"My parents think it was high time I got married." He looks at her a little worriedly.

"Do you think so too?"

"Not necessarily. I will think it was high time I got married once I had fallen in love."

Matthew doesn't reply anything and for a second she wonders why but then realizes that everyone else around them has gone quiet.

"Granny, please don't look so shocked. You married for love after all."

"Yes, yes. Quite unlike some other people in this family," her grandmother replies and throws her father a dirty look. She knows that her grandmother never really warmed to the idea of her only son getting married for money. She is sure that the fact that her parents' marriage wasn't a love match upsets her grandmother much more than the fact that she has an American daughter-in-law. But her parents' marriage has turned into a love match, they obviously love one another deeply now and she hopes to find that too one day. Instinctively she sits down next to Matthew and sees her father smile at this and she can't help but smile back at him.

"Tell me about your work, Matthew."

"What?" Matthew looks utterly taken aback. "Why?"

"Because I am interested."

"It is rather dull at the moment. There is lots to do, of course, but no interesting cases. Mostly wills, but they are always the same. Eldest son first, eldest daughter only profits if there is no son. I think that is wrong, in my opinion all children should profit equally."

"It does sound like a good idea, but wouldn't it break up property and companies? If Papa had to divide everything he owns between Edith, Sybil and me, the estate would have to be broken up."

"That is a little different."

"Is it? Imagine Mr. Smith owned a well running company and had two sons with very different ideas for the company and they both inherited. What would happen then?"

"Mr. Smith would have to talk about this to his sons before he died. He could put in his will what he wanted to happen."

"Maybe. But what if one wasn't interested in that and asked to be paid out. That would probably only be possible if the company was sold, unless the Smiths were a very rich family."

"Well, maybe. But this is the way things often go in America. Your mother has a brother, doesn't she?"

"Yes."

"And she still had an inheritance or dowry large enough to safe this estate."

"But that was different. Her father literally was as rich as Croesus. And I do mean literally."

"Well, if you say that rich people should let all their children benefit from what they have, then your father certainly should let you and your sisters benefit."

"My father isn't rich. He owns a huge estate and enough money to finance the lifestyle that goes with his title. That is all. Although we do have generous settlements, but that in a way, is part of the estate as well."

"The idea of settlements always strikes me as odd. As if men would only take women if they were paid for it."

"That is the general idea."

"But it isn't true. I'd much rather marry a poor woman for love than a rich one for her money."  
"That is very easy for you to say, because you will be an Earl with a healthy estate."

"I already thought so when all I was was a lawyer in Manchester."

"But then you weren't part of the upper class. It is different for the middle class."

"Upper middle class."

"What?" Is he making fun of her?

"It is important to my mother that we are from the upper middle class. I couldn't care less." They both laugh now.

Their guests leave one after another but she keeps talking to Matthew and eventually her father asks him if he wants to sleep in one of the guest rooms.

"Why?" Matthew asks absolutely dumbstruck.

"Because it is two am and Cora and I would like to go to bed."

"Papa, I am sorry, I didn't realize how late it had gotten."

"That is quite alright Mary. Matthew, will you stay?"

"Yes. Thank you."

"Alright. Carson will tell you once your room is ready. Mary, I am sure you won't mind keeping Matthew company."

"Of course not." Both her parents say goodnight then and they both kiss her on the cheek, something they haven't done in a while. Carson tells them that Matthew's room is ready only a little while later, but they are still deep in conversation.

"So your parents got married for money."

"My father got married for money, my mother for a title and for love. She was in love with my father before they got married."

"How did your father fall in love with her?"

"I don't know, but it didn't take him long. Not even a year. He knew why he picked my mother as his wife. He already liked her rather a lot before he proposed. I asked him about it when I was sixteen and he said that she was the only woman who ever fascinated him. So he decided to go against my granny's wishes, which he said himself wasn't easy but more than worth it."

"I wonder how much they fought about it."

"They are still fighting about it. And if my father hadn't fallen in love with my mother, my granny would be gloating. She still doesn't understand, but she is at least happy for my father."

"It must be wonderful to be happily married for such a long time."

"Yes. A happy marriage is essential to a happy life."

"Let's hope we'll find the right person then."

"Yes. Let's get married for love." Matthew looks at her pensively.

"I wonder if there is some sort of secret. Something that ensures that a marriage stays happy."

"My parents would tell you that there is something. Or rather my mother would, my father would never talk about it."

"What is the big secret then?" For brief second she wonders if she should really tell Matthew this, but then wonders why not. There is nothing indecent about it after all. Not unless she applied her granny's standards of decency and she is quite sure that her grandparents broke that particular standard of decency more often than not.

"Sleeping in the same room." Matthew doesn't say anything, but switches the glass he his holding from his left hand to his right and when he does that, she realizes that he has put his left arm around her and that she has leaned into him. She wonders when this happened and she also wonders when most of the lights in the drawing room were turned off and when Carson went to bed, because he is obviously not awake anymore.

"Sorry. What?"

"My parents always sleep in the same room. Unless one of them is seriously sick. Although if it is my father who is sick, my mother sits next to the bed, holding his hand. My father just doesn't do illness well, he usually only starts the hand holding once the worst is over. When we were still small and had nightmares, we always went to Mama's room and we always knew that Papa was there too. It was always a very comforting thought. In a way it still is. To know that they are both there and that if there was something I needed to talk about with both of them, but with no one else listening I could just go there."

"We will have to follow in their footsteps then and always sleep in the same room as well." She is not sure if this was just a slip of the tongue and what he meant was that they should share a room with their respective partners or whether he really meant that they, Matthew and Mary, should sleep in the same room. She looks up at him and his deep blue eyes make her dizzy.

"Matthew, what," but she doesn't get any further, because Matthew has just answered her question by kissing her. She has never been kissed like that, with love and compassion and such intensity. Pamuk's kisses were so cold. At that thought she goes rigid. She can't be with Matthew like this without telling him.

"Matthew, stop it. Please."

"Why?" he asks and looks like a little school boy who has been told that he has had enough of the desert now.

"Because there is something about me that you don't know, that will certainly make you stop kissing me." He looks at her and the expression on his face is so full of love that it breaks her heart to have to tell him. But she can't not tell him, she loves him too much.

"I," she begins but doesn't know how to go on.

"Mary, if this is about Pamuk, then you don't have to say anything else. Edith told me in the afternoon, when she heard that I was coming for dinner. I think she thought it would improve her chances so to speak." She is stunned at this and wants to strangle her sister.

"I didn't ask him to come to my room. He just did. I asked him to leave, but he wouldn't."

"I know."

"You do? Heavens, Edith must have been almost kind then."

"No. But while I did believe that Pamuk died in your bed, I just couldn't imagine you inviting him there, so I just filled in that little detail that your sister left out."

"I hate her."

"No, you don't. She is your sister. And it was an act of desperation. Maybe she will be nicer to you now. She gets along with that Strallan fellow rather well."

"What must you think of me?"

"If you mean, what I think of you because of Pamuk: I feel rather sorry for you. But let's just forget about him, it isn't important to me, it needn't be important to you. He is part of your past and I hope to be part of your future."

"What?" He kisses her again and she lets herself be pulled closer to him, she has the feeling that Matthew is protecting and challenging her at the same time. He is just perfect. When she thinks that, she puts his arms around him too and her kisses become more demanding. He stops them eventually and rests his forehead against hers.

"Oh God Mary. Marry me, please." There is nothing in the world she would rather do.

"Yes."

"I love you," he says and begins to kiss her again.

"I love you too," she mumbles against his kisses. She doesn't know how long they kiss, but eventually she rests her head against Matthew's shoulder and dozes off. He wakes her after what feels like only five minutes.

"Mary darling, wake up."

"I am still tired."

"I know. But you've slept for almost three hours and I have to go home now. Or rather have breakfast with your father now and then go home."

"What?" How is this possible?

"You fell asleep. And so did I. It seems we are good at sleeping in the same room."

"I suppose we are," she replies and they briefly kiss again.

"Let's tell the world about us."

"Yes.

* * *

She isn't exactly worried about her son, when he hadn't returned by two in the morning, she just supposed that he would sleep at the Abbey. Robert offered him to stay before, Matthew just never accepted, but it seems that now he has. She only wonders why. There was a dinner party, but to her knowledge none of the guests were that interesting that Matthew would stay so long that it would be sensible for him to sleep at the Abbey. She has breakfast by herself because she supposes that if Matthew slept at the big house, he would also have breakfast there. When she hears the door open at ten she calls out

"Matthew, is that you?" and when her son answers

"Yes" she walks out into the hallway.

"You are home very late," she says.

"Or rather early," Mary answers and for a second she wonders why Mary is there, but then she sees that Matthew is holding Mary's hand and she knows why her son stayed at the Abbey. She isn't overly fond of Mary, but she has known for quite some time that Matthew was in love with her and so she isn't too surprised.

"Mother," Matthew says, "we've got news."

"You are getting married," she says. Mary laughs out loud as this and she is astonished about it, because she has never heard Mary laugh openly.

"Why is that funny?" she asks.

"Because my parents guessed it too. Apparently it has been obvious to anyone but us."

"Anyone but you Mary," her son says and Mary smiles such a loving smile at him that Isobel is sure that Mary loves Matthew just as much as Matthew loves Mary. It makes her rather fond of her future daughter-in-law.


	3. Chapter 4

AN: This chapter explores what could have happened if Mary had asked Matthew not to go and see Lavinia after his return during the concert in season 2.

* * *

"What will you do with the rest of your leave?"

"Well, since Mother isn't here, I think I'll run up to London and see Lavinia."

He wishes he could have given her a different answer because the defeat on her face speaks volumes and she looks the way he feels. But what could he have said? He is engaged to Lavinia, she is engaged or nearly engaged, he isn't sure, to someone called Carlisle. Their relationship is over, it was over when she didn't accept him and he left her at that garden party. That was perhaps the biggest mistake of his life, but it is too late now. Lavinia is nice and she will be a good wife to him. Not as good as Mary would have been, maybe, but he shouldn't think about that anymore, although he can't stop thinking about it. When he saw Mary again about an hour ago, all he wanted to do was to run to her, scoop her up in his arms and propose to her. And tell her how much he loves her, that he thinks of her every night, that he wishes he could turn back time, that he wishes he had let her take her time, that he wishes he had never proposed to another woman.

"Would you stay here if I asked you to?" The question surprises him and he should say no, he should tell her that there is no future for them but then he looks into her eyes and he stops to think rationally.

"Of course I would."

"Then please stay."

"Yes. Of course I'll stay."

When he tells Robert that he is going to stay for a few days and asks whether he could sleep at the Abbey, he doesn't want to be alone at Crawley house, Robert is so happy that he hugs him and says "Of course you can, son." Cora gives him a kiss on the cheek and just says "Thank you." He is utterly nonplussed by this and when he asks Mary about this a little later she tells him how worried her parents and especially her father were.

"I suppose he was afraid he'd lose another heir."

"No. He was afraid he'd lose another son. My baby brother's death was very hard on him, but he never knew the boy. Losing you would have devastated him. It would have devastated all of us and not because we would have had to look for new heir. But because we would have lost you. You are loved by everyone here, Matthew." He loves the family too, even the Dowager, who has somehow turned into a grandmother to him. But he needs to know what kind of love Mary feels for him.

"What about you? Do you love me too?" Mary looks at him uncertainly for a moment and then says

"I don't love you the way my sisters love you. I don't think of you as a very dear cousin, maybe even a brother."

"Do you love me a different way then?"

"Yes."

"What way?"

"The way that Elizabeth Bennet loves Mr. Darcy, the way the Juliet loves Romeo, the way my mother loves my father."

"That is a strange list."

"Is it? I don't think it is. There is true, all-encompassing love for all those couples."

"Two of those couples are fictional."

"And one is real. So that must mean that love is real."

"I think it is real. I know it is real. I have felt it. I feel it."

"Who do you feel it for Matthew?"

Mary looks at him pleadingly now, he knows what she wants him to say. He gets up, sits down next to her on the other sofa and takes her hands in his.

"You. Of course I love you, it has always been you, Mary."

She kisses him then, it is a kiss that is simultaneously sweet and demanding, gentle and firm and most of all loving. He knows what he has to do, he will have to go to London after all because he can't tell Lavinia about this on the telephone, but he will return the same day and he will propose to Mary.

"I'll go to London tomorrow."

"Why?" Mary looks utterly flabbergasted.

"Because I have to break it off with Lavinia in person. She deserves that."

"I'll just send a letter to Carlisle." He knows she is trying to tell him to send a letter to Lavinia.

"I'll come back tomorrow, I won't be gone long. I promise."

He is gone longer than he thought he would be, because on the way back his train gets stuck and he returns to Downton after 11 at night. Everyone has gone upstairs already, but when he opens the door to his room, he finds Mary sitting on his bed.

"How was it?"

"She cried and told me that she knew all along."

"I am sorry."

"I am not. I am sorry for her, I led her on, but I am glad I didn't take it any further."

"You have no idea how glad I am about that." He sees tears rolling down Mary's cheeks. She has now gotten up and he wipes the tears away. He kisses her on the lips, just briefly and she kisses him on the lips then, just briefly as well and he kisses her again and them somehow they tumble onto his bed.

"Oh God Mary," is all that he can say when she is beneath him, all their clothes strewn on the floor. She pulls him closer to her and kisses him again and he knows what she wants, she wants what he wants and he just gives in to their mutual desire then.

"I love you," he says, still out of breath when lies back on the bed and pulls her into his arm.

"I love you too."

There is something that his bothering him however and he needs to get it off his chest.

"That was not the first time you did this."

"No."

"When?"

"Years ago."

"Was it love then?"

"No, it was lust." He is glad about that, despite the fact that it makes the deed itself even less acceptable than it already is.

"But it was love now?"

"Of course Matthew. And it was so much more than everything I have ever felt before."

"Yes. It really is all-encompassing."

"I think I now know why my parents always throw each other those soppy looks and why they hold hands every chance they get. I am afraid we will be quite like them."

"I hope we will be quite like them."

"Well, they are very happy." Neither one of them says anything for a while but then he remembers that there is a question he wanted to ask her, he should certainly ask her now.

"Mary?"

"Hm?"

"Will you marry me?"

"Yes."

They spin a not completely untrue story of not wanting to risk anything, of having been taught that life is short and that they should make the most of the time they have and thus get Mary's parents to agree to letting them get married only two weeks later. Robert calls in favors at the war office and Matthew leave is extended to six weeks. Before he goes back to France he finally finds a way to contact his mother and he meets her before he returns to his regiment.

"I am sorry you couldn't be there."

"I am glad you are happy."

His mother really doesn't seem to be too bothered by the fact that she didn't see him get married, but then again, she has always been rather pragmatic and he supposes that she knows that there was another reason they had to get married so fast, even if they already found out that they wouldn't have had to be worried about having conceived a child while he was still at Downton, at least they did not conceive a child before they were married.

Mary writes to him almost every day and about three months after his return to France, he receives a letter that warms his heart. His next leave is granted to him eight months after his return to France, nine months and two weeks after his wedding day. When he gets home and is lead into Mary's room, his heart beats faster than it ever has before and when he sees her sitting on the bed that has become theirs, holding their son and smiling lovingly at him, he knows that despite the war, he is the happiest man on earth.


	4. Chapter 3

AmericanGirlTN: Thank you so much for your lovely review! I take what you said as a compliment and I am very, very glad that you think so!

There is a conversation in season one (I can never remember the episode numbers) between Mary and Cora in which Cora warns Mary not to quarrel with Matthew. I think it was quite obvious what Cora meant, but I decided to tweak that a little to turn it into this short story.

I just realized that part of this chapter was missing, so I've updated it.

* * *

"Don't quarrel with Matthew."

"Why shouldn't I?"

"Because one day you may need him."

"Oh, I see. When I've ruined myself, I must have a powerful protector to hide behind."

She wonders whether she should leave or just answer 'yes' or say more than that.

"Yes. Or rather, that is part of it."

"Oh Mama, what else could I need him for? To give me a home?" Mary is getting closer to the truth and Cora wishes her daughter would just see what has been in front of her for over a year now.

"To give you a family."

"A family. Am I to be the aunt to his children? Companion to his wife, the next Countess of Grantham? Is that what you expect of me now? Is that what you want for your eldest daughter?"

She takes a deep breath. In some ways Mary is too much like Robert, especially when it comes to matters of the heart. When Robert proposed to her, she knew she loved him and she also knew that he felt more for her than he pretended to feel. He told her quite plainly that he wanted to marry her for her money and that he thought they would get along without hating each other, when what he actually felt was quite a lot of deep affection. He told her he loved her after seven months of marriage, but she knows he felt it after two months, because when they spent their first night in their new set of rooms after they had returned from their wedding journey, Robert stayed in her bed and told her that he would never want to sleep anywhere else. He just didn't see that it was love and she is almost sure that their eldest daughter is now facing a similar situation, with the slight difference that Mary and Matthew aren't married. Yet.

"No, Mary."

"What is it then Mama? You have to tell me, because I don't know."

"Sometimes, my darling child, you are too much like your Papa."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"Your father and I met in June 1888, were married in April 1889 and he told me he loved me in November that year."

"I know that."

"I fell in love with him almost on first sight and I kept fighting for him. Or rather for his affection, because it didn't take him long to propose, he needed my money after all. But I wanted his affection and I fought for it."

"What does that have to do with me?" "Everything she thinks and almost retorts 'you wouldn't be here otherwise' but that isn't true. Robert was very prodigious about their marital duty, although he might not have been if they hadn't it enjoyed it so much right from the start.

"Mary, I fought for your father's love and eventually I won it. Ask him if he is happy about that."

"I don't have to ask him. Everyone can see that he is happy about it."

"Maybe you can see it and I am sure that he is happy. We are both very happy in our marriage."

"Mama, you told me that I was damaged goods. And now you are talking about a happy marriage. You know it is unlikely that I will ever have that."

"Your father thought he would only ever be content, if that."

"So?"

Mary either doesn't understand or doesn't want to understand, but she has to get to the point.

"Mary, I think, no I am sure, that Matthew is fighting for you. He is fighting for your love. And maybe you should let him win that fight."

The expression on her daughter's face changes from angry confusion to something akin to surprise or maybe even to an expression that could accompany an epiphany.

"Mama"

"I am not telling you to marry him, not for the sake of the title and the estate anyway."

She watches her mother leave and her heart beats so fast she thinks that it might leave her chest. She thinks about going downstairs again, but she isn't ready to face Matthew.

She gets up early the next morning because she hopes to catch her father by himself and she is successful.

"Mary, you look thoughtful," he says quite cheerfully.

"Mama says I am like you."

"In many ways you are, I think."

"If we are so alike, then why can you love with all your heart and I can't?"

"Who says you can't?"

"It's what everyone thinks."

"No. It is what you think. Your Mama and I for one don't think so."

"Why not?"

"Because we are quite sure that you love us. You may not say it, but we are sure that you do." She can't help but smile at that.

"Mary, your mother told me what you talked about last night. And before I say anything else, let me tell you that I love you very much. I don't prefer Matthew over you. I like him, I like him a lot, but I don't prefer him."

"Are you sure?"

"Of course I am sure. You are my darling daughter and you will always be. And that is why I will now tell you something I feel rather uncomfortable speaking about. I have had to make many decisions in my life and I hope that I made more right than wrong decisions, but I can't be sure. But what I am sure about is that the two best decisions I ever made both concern your mother. The first one was my decision to propose to her because it made her a part of my life and the second one was to finally let her into my heart, to give in to my feelings for her. It took me a very long time because I thought loving someone the way your mother loved me, still loves me, wanted me to love her was not something I was capable of, it wasn't something I had ever considered. But when I threw that silly notion overboard, I realized that I could love another person with all my heart, that I did love your mother, that I had loved her for quite some time and nothing has ever made me as happy as that. Or rather everything else that has ever made me that happy somehow goes back to her."

"What do you mean?"

"You and your sisters make me very happy, but I wouldn't have you without your mother. Having this home makes me happy, but it wouldn't be the home it is without your mother and I don't mean the money she put into it. Spending afternoons in the library makes me happy because your mother is always with me then. We've developed a routine of her never reading then and me always reading then, but only ever what would interest her too so that we can talk about what I read."

"You are very dependent on her."

"I can't imagine life without her."

"You miss her when she is gone. Or when you are in London."

"Very much."

"So in exchange for a happy marriage, you gave up quite a lot of freedom, you became dependent on another person."

"Yes, of course I did. It's the price you pay if you fall in love."

"Knowing what you know now, how much you gave up for it, would you let Mama into your heart again? Please be honest, I won't tell her, I promise." She expected her father to think about this question for some time, but he answers right away.

"Without any doubt."

"Why?"

"Because I gave up a little bit of freedom, maybe even a lot of freedom, but I gained so much more. I found someone to share my life with. All of it. Not just bits and pieces but everything. Someone I trust without any reservations, someone to make me laugh, someone I can always be at ease with, in short, someone I love."

She doesn't really know what to say to this, so she says "That was quite a speech for you."

"Yes." Her father looks very uncomfortable now. "Mary, I told Matthew I'd be down at the cottages in half an hour. We just wanted to have another look at them. But I don't think it is necessary that I am there. You could go just as well. Tell Matthew that I am busy."

"And why would I do that?"

"To see where it leads you."

"Where would it lead me?" She knows she sounds like a stubborn child, but she hates doing what she is told to do.

"Give it a chance Mary."

Because her father left the breakfast room without any further ado, she really does go to the cottages and Matthew's face breaks into a beautiful smile when he sees her. He tells her what has been done and she listens to him, listens to his soft voice that sounds like velvet. She never noticed that before. When they are done, she invites him to lunch at the Abbey and they decide to walk back there instead of just taking the car. Matthew seems overjoyed when she agrees to this suggestion and even happier when she takes the arm he offers her.

While they are walking across the estate, she tells Matthew little stories about her childhood and he counters them with stories of his own.

It takes them almost an hour to get back and they arrive just in time for lunch. She half expected her parents to invite Matthew for dinner, but they don't say a word and she knows they are leaving it up to her.

"I have to leave now, I have to be in Ripon at three, I have an appointment with a client. I am sorry."

"That's quite alright Matthew," her father says, smiles at him and then turns to her mother. He wonders whether he does that on purpose.

"I'll see you off," she says to Matthew and he looks pleasantly surprised.

They have to wait for the car for a moment and Matthew turns to her.

"Mary, I know this is inappropriate but would you come with me? We could talk on the train and you could go shopping while I was dealing with the client and then I'd take you to a tea shop."

She laughs at that and Matthew looks a little hurt.

"Oh, I wasn't laughing about you. I just thought about something my father said to me this morning. Although I can't tell you what because it was rather private. But I will come with you." She had to laugh because she had something different planned for the afternoon, but Matthew's question just made her decide to not spend the afternoon perusing her magazines. Apparently, she is giving up her independence and she does so quite willingly.

She invites Matthew to dinner on their return from Rippon and when he goes home first to get changed and she waits for him at the Abbey, she misses him.

When it is time for Matthew to leave again much later that night, she accompanies him outside again and while they are waiting for the car, he turns to her and looks as if he was wondering whether he should say something.

"Say it Matthew. Please." He smiles at her and then says

"This was the best day of my life Mary and I wish we could have more of those days."

"That would be rather nice," she says. They lean forward at the same moment and for the first time in her life she is kissed out of love and she realizes that she kisses Matthew out of love too.

She has the urge to talk to someone about this and once she has gotten changed for bed, she decides to talk to her mother. Her mother is slightly surprised when she enters her bedroom but welcomes her nonetheless.

"Mama, I just came to tell you that you were right."

"About what?"

"I will need Matthew. I need him now. I need him to make me happy."

"He needs you to make him happy too, that much is obvious." She knows this of course because what Matthew said to her was almost a proposal, but it is nice to hear her mother say it nonetheless.

"Oh, hello Mary." She turns to her father who has just entered the room without knocking.

"Papa," she says. "Don't you knock?"

"Not at night. It's a freedom that comes with a happy marriage." Her mother laughs at this and she takes this as her cue to leave her parents to enjoy their blissful happiness.


	5. Chapter 5

She ponders about what Carlisle asked her. Of course she wants grandchildren and she wants Mary to have children, but the question is at what price. She would of course be sacrificing Lavinia, but the alternative would be a life for Mary as a nursemaid and she can't do that to her daughter.

"I think I am going to invite Lavinia on Friday. She can come here together with Sir Richard."

"Lavinia? Why?"

"Robert, Mary and Matthew are becoming," she stops for a second.

"Are becoming what?"

"Too close."

"Too close? How can they be too close?"

"Mary and Richard" Robert's face turns red now.

"I wish the child had taken my advice. I told her not to take Richard. He won't make her happy; he can't give her anything that Matthew can't give her too."

"Can't he Robert? What about physical love? What about children?"

"What about it? If she really loved him, and I think she does, then she will be able to live with that. And there are ways" She has to interrupt him now.

"The question is, Robert, do you want grandchildren?"

"Of course I do, but we have two"

"We both want grandchildren, so it is time to invite Lavinia Swire back here."

"Sometimes Cora, you can be curiously unfeeling." He turns around, walks into his own room and throws the door shut. She is left standing in their bedroom all alone and she feels like shedding tears that refuse to come.

"Sir Richard Carlisle," the butler announces.

"I am sorry, the train was late."

"Don't bother changing," he tells him. He doesn't care if it makes Sir Richard uncomfortable to eat in his travelling clothes while everyone else is dressed up. He just doesn't like the man. They go into the dining room less than five minutes later and eventually Richard looks at Cora and says

"I was rather hoping to see Miss Swire here,"

"Why?" Matthew interjects. "Why would she come her? She left and she had good reason to do so."

"Which is why she isn't here, Sir Richard," Cora answers in a tone the brokers no opposition. He is glad that for once she doesn't direct it at him.

Once the women are walking through to the drawing room and Richard is occupied talking to Mary for a brief second, he walks over to Matthew, sits down next to him and says

"I can't tell you why, but would you mind going into drawing room right now please? And take Carlilse with you?"

Matthew looks at him a little taken aback, but the turns his chair around and loudly says "Mary, wait. I am not in the mood for port today. So would you take me with you now?"

He thinks the boy is marvelous. Of course Richard now follows them and this isn't suspicious to anyone else.

"Cora, stay, just for a moment please." She stares at him with a defeated look in her eyes and then leans against the sideboard.

"What do you want, Robert?"

"You didn't invite her."

"No." He knew it. She made it sound as if she had asked Lavinia and Lavinia refused but he knew better when he looked at her. "But I don't know why I didn't do it."

"Because like me, you know that Mary would be much happier with Matthew."

"Can we be sure about that? We would condemn her to being a nursemaid for the rest of her life."

"No. We wouldn't. She truly loves Matthew, and to her it is worth it. And Matthew doesn't need a nursemaid. He can't walk, but he can do everything else, or almost everything else. They'd be fine."

"How can you be so sure that she loves Matthew?" He wonders if he should truly answer this, but in the end decides that he should because the pain he might feel in this is worth his daughter being happy.

"Because she looks at Matthew the way you used to look at me. Her looks are full of love and admiration for him."

Cora doesn't say anything, but he thinks that she is about to cry. He is still sitting in the chair he sat down in when he talked to Matthew, and she is still standing a across the room. It feels as if there was a whole world between them.

"Cora, you and I both know what it means to have a happy marriage. And Mary and Matthew would have a happy marriage, I am sure of it."

She gives a strangled chuckle at this.

"Yes, I suppose we do know that. But how do we convince them?"

"The only one who needs to be convinced is Matthew and I will talk to him. I am sure that were he to propose to Mary, she'd accept him."

"Yes. Let's hope their marriage stays happy. Because if a happy marriage takes a down turn, it is quite painful." There are tears running down Cora's face now and he is about to cry too. He is sure he will cry if he stays in a room with his estranged wife only a minute longer. To get to the drawing room he has to walk past her and when he does she holds onto his arm and turns him around to face her.

"I am sorry I don't look at you that way anymore," she says and the tears are still rolling down her face.

"It is not your fault alone. It is mine too. We drifted apart and I don't know why."

"Robert, I,"

"I know," he says and puts his arms around her waist and his forehead against hers. He can't stop his own tears from falling any longer.

"Kiss me," she whispers and he does. When he looks at her again, she looks at him the way Mary looks at Matthew.

"I love you," she says.

"I love you too."

She opens the dining room door because she wants to ask her mother what Richard meant when said that he thought that Lavinia would be there.

"Mama, I" but she stops speaking when she takes in the scene in front of her.

"I love you too," her father says to her mother and then he lifts her mother of the ground, swings her around once, puts her down again very carefully and then kisses her. Her mother puts her hands into her father's her and at that moment, Mary knows that she can make a decision without having her suspicion confirmed. She leaves the dining room and tells the others that her parents won't come into the drawing room because they are both tired. She is sure that she won't see her parents again before the morning and she is very happy about that. Besides the fact that she wants her parents to be happy, she also needs some time alone, or rather some time without any interruption. As she predicted, everyone except for Richard now leaves.

"So, Mary, what are we to do now?"

"Richard, I am sorry. I will break off our engagement."

"What?" He grabs her and threatens her and she endures it. She knows him well enough to be sure that he won't really hurt her, not physically at least.

"I'll ruin you, Lady Mary. I will ruin you."

"Which is exactly why I can't be with you." She leaves him standing in the drawing room and walks up the stairs, towards Matthew's room. She desperately hopes that he is still awake.

"Come in," he says. And then exclaims "Mary!" full of surprise. He is sitting on his bed, reading a book, his hair is disheveled and for once he looks relaxed.

"What are you doing here?"

"I came here to tell you that I broke it off with Carlisle."

"Oh, thank the heavens. He wasn't for you Mary."

"No. I don't love him," she says and sits down on Matthew's bed. He looks at her a little taken aback but not displeased.

"Matthew, how do you feel about Lavinia?"

"I am sorry for her, but I am glad that she is gone. Mostly for her sake. I couldn't have asked her to throw away her life for me. After all, I never really loved her I think. In fact I am sure of it, because I know what it feels to love someone and that wasn't it."

"We are two rather daft fools, don't you think?" Her heart is beating so fast it is making her dizzy, or maybe her closeness to Matthew is making her dizzy, she neither knows nor cares.

"Why?"

"We both tried to be with people we didn't love just to prove something to the person we do love."

"Mary, please don't," Matthew looks at her pleadingly.

"I love you Matthew."

"No, Mary."

"Yes, I do. And you love me too."

"No I don't."

"Yes, you do."

"Mary, don't make this more difficult than it is."

"What is so difficult about it?" He is difficult about it, but she manages to keep her sharp tongue in check for once.

"I could never make you happy."

"Yes, you could. You could make me very happy."

"No, you would despise me, after a while."

"Matthew, I never would, I never could despise you." She wants him to give into her, she wants him to finally admit his feelings for her, she wants to marry him.

"Mary, even if I did love you, we could never be lovers."

"I know that, but I don't care. And there are other ways to, you know." Matthew chuckles at this.

"You have thought this through, haven't you?"

"For the past seven years."

"Really?"

"Yes. I wish I had accepted you right away. I wish we hadn't wasted so much time." She sees him move forward and she closes her eyes in anticipation of what is to come and when she finally, after years of longing, feels Matthew's lips on hers, her world is put to rights. Matthew pulls her closer and she doesn't know how it happened, but eventually she straddles him and they are kissing each other senseless.

"Oh dear God, Mary," Matthew whispers and she thinks she knows what he means. She thinks there was some sort of reaction on his part.

"Matthew,"

"No. There is no hope," he says to her but when she looks into his eyes, she sees that there is hope; he just doesn't want to admit it. She gets off him and sits down next to him, her head on his shoulder. They don't say a word but eventually slide down so far that they are actually lying on his bed, she in his arms.

"You should go to bed."

"I am in bed."

"The wrong bed."

"I think it is the right bed." He laughs at this, but then says

"Mary, if we were found,"

"Nobody would accuse us of having done anything." Matthew laughs again and they fall asleep. She wakes up again when she feels someone kicking her shin.

"Matthew, you are kicking me," she mumbles. He doesn't seem to have heard her because he kicks her again and that really wakes her up.

"Matthew, wake up. You are kicking me."

"What?"

"You are kicking me."

"I dreamed I was running."

"Well, you certainly mimicked the movement."

He throws the blanket off himself and stares at his legs.

"I have felt something before, you know. And when we kissed, I thought I felt something else."

"I felt that too."

"Sorry."

"No, don't ever be sorry about that."

"I'll call for Dr. Clarkson in the morning. For now let's sleep."

On Christmas Eve, seven weeks after the end of the war and ten weeks after they kissed again for the first time, he makes sure that the ring is in his pocket, before he walks into the drawing room after dinner. He is still unsteady on his feet, but he can walk short distances again and according to Dr. Clarkson, he will be able to walk normally again within a few months. Everybody turns when he enters the room and he holds out his hand to Mary, who takes it wordlessly. He leads her into the entrance hall, and stops them in front of the Christmas Tree. He takes her hands to steady himself and then kneels down in front of her.

* * *

AN: There won't be any updates to this for a while because I am going on vacation and there definitely won't be internet available.


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